I'm not one to admit that I have emotional problems but I do. There's no denying and there should be no shame in it but we live in a culture where if you aren't perfect then you are automatically seen as weak. I equate what happens to be as a seesaw. Remember as a child playing on the seesaw? When the other person would get off without any warning and you would be slammed to the ground? That is how my moods can change, one minute at the highest in a manic starting ten million projects and then all of a sudden down as low as you can go. There are very few times when the seesaw is level and when it has been there it feels terrible. That seems wrong that I feel terrible when it is level but that is because I don't know how to feel normal.
There are days when I sit on the couch and know that I need to get up and clean or eat dinner but I just can't. I feel like I am on an upswing and I hope that maybe I can control this one a little more than in the past, stretch the ride to the top out over a longer period of time.
The weather is killing me though. It has been cold then mediocre then miserable. My skin is dry and itchy. I'm getting the little bumps all over my shoulders and arms where my clothes rub and it is irritating. I hate washing my hair in this kind of weather and that has given me a spot on the nape of my neck that I have had multiple times when I don't get that part of my hair clean. It is not a matter of cleaning it is an issue of moisturizing. There are just a few places that you can't reach on your own.
Music--an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony and color.
I love that definition of music. I had never really thought about what music would mean. Really have you ever thought about how to describe music to someone. Not a type of music but what music actually is.
I live in a world where it seems quite lonely and sad without music. I am a huge fan of Pandora and usually have it playing almost all day long in my office. If you don't have Pandora you should seriously look into it. Radio at its best because you personalize the stations that you listen to. Either by picking a song that you like or by picking an artist or group. You tell it whether you like a song or not, put songs on the shelf if they play too often and every once in awhile you listen to a short commercial. I tell you about this just because I love music and I love to listen to it. This is also the only way I can combat the insane amount of Christmas music I must endure at work during the Halloween to New Year's period.
Music speaks to my soul. It can take me back in time without me ever moving an inch. It can make me quite moody and then make me happier than anything as I bask in the trip down memory lane. The sound of this one is a little haunting to me.
I am going to try to leave you with a video but my internet is going a little wonky.
I've been thinking about the fact that almost ten years have passed since I graduated from high school. I know that it has been a rocky road and I will probably either work on this post for quite
awhile or I will write several posts over the next few days.
I really didn't have any goals when I graduated from high school. I didn't have a ten year plan or even a five year plan. I knew that I wanted to go to college but that was about it. So I really can't say that I'm not where I want to be if I had no plan to start with.
I'm not unhappy with my life. I just don't feel like I've done enough. I live in apartment. I haven't paid off my college loans. I am still at the first job I had out of college...now that isn't a bad thing, I have a job that helps pay the bills.
I have a loving husband. I have a car that is paid off. I have a family that loves me. I'm in a limbo that I've created for myself. I am neither moving forward or backward. I just know that there is more to life than what I have done. It makes me realize that some times we are our on biggest enemy. I know that is something that so many people have said over many years but it is so true. Maybe because it has been said so many times that we don't realize how true it is.
I know that I have to stop bullying myself. I have to stand up for what I want in life. I have to take control of my life and take control.
Ten years have come and gone and the next ten years I hope are going to be so much better. I have to leave you with a little music and this kinda conveys what I'm feeling right now.
So I'm not really into actually posting videos on here I hope the one above works. If not check out the song My Next 30 Years by Tim McGraw.
