Oops...

It's been a while I know. I know. I'm workin' on it. Really I have to promise you that.

Trying to get ready for the wedding and all that. I may post some pics after I recover. Of course I've also come to the realization that I have no pictures of me with my sweetie. Yes totally embarrassing that we have no pictures together and the ones we have are cell snapshots. And those are always of such awesome quality.

Been pretty crazy at work and there and when I say that I kinda mean it more in a sense of the inmates running the asylum. (I think I mean it too.)

love ya! gotta run

37 days and counting down...

There are 37 days until the wedding and I feel completely unprepared. I'm having that whole I'm forgetting things feeling. Whether it's things in general or actually things that need to be done. I made a list of things that need to be done around the house before then and I have no idea how to get them all accomplished. It's gonna be insane for the next few weeks and I'm going to try not to get myself into too much trouble but I know that it's too late.

The sinus drainage kicked in the other night which means I'm on track to get strep throat which will make me unbearable until it's gone. Or it might be the fact that in all the chaos I haven't been able to clean the water bottle that I keep next to my bed. I'm betting on that being the culprit. It's too late now, I just need to start eating the yogurt in the fridge and maybe this will clear up before I kill anyone.

I finally got inventory done which has been the major thing keeping me from getting around to do blogging at work. We've hit the late winter lull. We survived the big freeze that had everyone in the state in a panic to cover pipes and plants. After all of that was finally repaired it's been good. There are still a few crazy bursts every once in awhile but they shouldn't start kicking back up until mid-March when people start needing to get out the mowers and the weedeaters. I've got one rider in the show that needs to be fixed. I should have that ready to go hopefully tomorrow if not Monday, which means once again that my shop will be completely done. Everything in there will be fixed and ready for pickup.

I wish I could say the same thing about the boards because they're starting to look like monstrous paper eating machines. I've got things that need to be looked at in the shop. I have more parts on backorder than I could ever imagine. Some with no eta, which makes me want to cry. Then there's the shelf of things that have been ordered which has fallen victim in the last few weeks to me stealing from there for new customers.

I'm not going to order a part that I've had sitting on the shelf because you said that you would come pick up 6 months ago. I keep the tickets in case someone decides that they really need it later on I can just reorder but at this point it looks pretty slim on that happening.

I ave to put two orders in today because it seems like right about the time I put an order in then someone comes in and wants one tiny thing and they want it asap.

Still looking for a teaching job but they're few and far between right now. I found one but I don't want to start this close to the wedding because then my head may actually explode and I go crazy psycho nuts on someone and ruin the chances of ever getting a job. But I'll be patient and wait and see what I can find a little closer to home.

We're still waiting for Swank to move out of the apartment so that they can get it cleaned up and then we can start trying to move in. Which is a whole 'nother story since furniture is few and far between at the moment. We have a couch, a tv, my furniture which I'm still using but will gladly start moving over there as soon as I can, and a bed sans mattress and box set. That's what we're waiting on. No point in hauling it to his place to have to haul it back and neither one of us have a place to store it yet.

gotta go, love ya!

Of course...

I had to post while I had this still on my mind. But ABC just cancelled 'Ugly Betty' and all I could say is duh.

I mean I loved the premise of the show. It was good it was what we all knew was going on. Normal people just trying to make it in a world where things aren't normal.

The article talks about the move from one night to the other and yes I can agree that killed it a little but it got off track. It got away from what it set out to do. I was watching a few weeks ago and that wasn't the Betty that I knew. She seemed...different. She seemed to have lost a few pounds, her hair was a little more coiffed and well she wasn't as 'ugly' in the way she was dressing.

She had changed. And not in a way that I was pleased with. I hope that if I had been religiously watching the show that it was a subtle change but this seemed like a real slap in the face to me how much she had changed.

New Year

It's a little late in the new year to post a new year post but it's the first time that things have gotten to a steady pace for me to try and get something tapped out.

We do a lot of 90 to nothin' around here and that's what I've been faced with for the last few weeks and it doesn't look like an end is anywhere in the future. Around here the saying "sleep when you're dead" has alot of truth to it. I just get my naps where I can if that means at 5:30 in the afternoon it means I spend a little quality time with the pillow.

Problems have been fixed and things are looking like they're closer to right side up but I'm not quite sure.

love ya!

End of the Year...

Another year come to an end...where are the words that I need to describe what has happened in the last 365 days.

That's all a year is 365 days connected only be sleep and clocks. An endless stream of media is coming to you everyday from your alarm clock to the television you turn off right before you go to sleep, only to worry about what that media has been telling you.

This year has brought me the love of my life. Okay it brought me to the realization that the love of my life has been in front of me for awhile and I was desperately trying to hide from it. Trying to take it all away from myself in the name of saving myself from being hurt.

I don't want to act like I haven't been hurt in this relationship but I have and usually because of my own doing. Right now there are less than 12 hours to the new year and all I can think about is spending it with him.

I love you sugar bear.

There's no real way of knowing what this year coming will bring but I do hope that it brings me more joy and fewer tears than this one that we are leaving.

Christmas...

I missed getting to slap a post up right before Christmas but things went all nutsy at work. We had customers way to into the Christmas spirit yelling and fussing and pitching fits usually only see in the aftermath of Christmas with toddlers coming off of sugar highs.



Then again it could have been worse. Not sure how or care to know how...but it could have been.



There were phone calls and faxes and arguing. Being put on hold to still get no answer.



I did get a digital camera which means when I finally get internet there will be pictures.

Part of me...

I was talking yesterday about how she was a part of me too now. I may post this I may not...I'm just not sure right at this moment.

The person that I was speaking of is someone I thought I would never have to face. That never in my life would I have to face her with the knowledge of who she was. That I would be able to live the rest of my life not knowing who she was, not being able to pick her out of a crowd, but now I can. There's no telling how many times I may have passed her in the store before this point. That day is burned into my memory, the feelings etched on my heart and in my soul.

I really haven't told my fiance how I feel about that day. I felt like I was some exhibit in a freak show there for someone else to gawk at and fulfill their curiosity. (After he reads this he'll know.) I felt like I was being sized up...where you know she's looking at you standing there taking in every detail of your being so that she can compare you to herself. So that she'll be able to tear you down when she gets in the car with her friends who know the situation. To everyone else though, you look like two complete strangers standing in Wal-Mart looking for everyday needs.

I felt humiliated and embarrassed. I didn't want to face her and I still don't want to. I don't want to wonder if he thinks about her. I don't care if he tells me that there's no commonalities between us. I don't want to face how it makes me feel. After I got back to work and he was gone, I found myself huddled on the floor behind the counter in my office trying not to cry. Trembling in a pseudo-fetal position wishing that I could just disappear.

When his family brings her up, I just wish that I could melt into the wall and not be there. I know that they feel the same way about her that he does but I don't know how I feel. I'm somewhere in the middle in that grey area that no one wants to be in. No man's land that makes you feel inadequate because you can't make a decision.

Do you hate when all they need is love?

Do you love when all you want to do is hate?

No matter what I choose she is a part of me, so can I choose to hate myself?