Part of me...

I was talking yesterday about how she was a part of me too now. I may post this I may not...I'm just not sure right at this moment.

The person that I was speaking of is someone I thought I would never have to face. That never in my life would I have to face her with the knowledge of who she was. That I would be able to live the rest of my life not knowing who she was, not being able to pick her out of a crowd, but now I can. There's no telling how many times I may have passed her in the store before this point. That day is burned into my memory, the feelings etched on my heart and in my soul.

I really haven't told my fiance how I feel about that day. I felt like I was some exhibit in a freak show there for someone else to gawk at and fulfill their curiosity. (After he reads this he'll know.) I felt like I was being sized up...where you know she's looking at you standing there taking in every detail of your being so that she can compare you to herself. So that she'll be able to tear you down when she gets in the car with her friends who know the situation. To everyone else though, you look like two complete strangers standing in Wal-Mart looking for everyday needs.

I felt humiliated and embarrassed. I didn't want to face her and I still don't want to. I don't want to wonder if he thinks about her. I don't care if he tells me that there's no commonalities between us. I don't want to face how it makes me feel. After I got back to work and he was gone, I found myself huddled on the floor behind the counter in my office trying not to cry. Trembling in a pseudo-fetal position wishing that I could just disappear.

When his family brings her up, I just wish that I could melt into the wall and not be there. I know that they feel the same way about her that he does but I don't know how I feel. I'm somewhere in the middle in that grey area that no one wants to be in. No man's land that makes you feel inadequate because you can't make a decision.

Do you hate when all they need is love?

Do you love when all you want to do is hate?

No matter what I choose she is a part of me, so can I choose to hate myself?