Have been partaking in a Grey's Anatomy marathon...

All it means is that I've been spending the last few weeks identifying with all the different interns at some point and it seems to be making me miserable. Finally to season five and it makes me sad to know that soon there will be no more George and that eventually there will be a whole new set of residents and interns that will be there.

I'm having a problem writing. Every night as I lay in bed waiting to fall asleep I keep starting these different scenes of a new story and I just can't seem to make it happen when I finally sit down with a pen and paper. Trying to deal with a whole set of emotions that I can't really seem to handle. It scares me that the one thing that I've always been able to rely on and come back to seems to be the hardest thing for me to do right now. I've spent hours scribbling in notebooks and tapping out blog entries.

I want it to rain. I want to feel the rain on my skin. Last night when I was watering my tomato plants I poured water on my feet so that I could just feel wet concrete under my feet. I love the way warm concrete smells after it rains. There is something that I find so comforting that it makes me smile and I want that again. I'm sick of every time that I turn on the news they're talking about more acres of Texas on fire. I just don't like hearing about how close it is getting to cities or how many houses that have burned. In total I think that there has only been one casualty, a firefighter hit by a firetruck.

Anyone that has a windmill to generate electricity right now is doing fine. The wind hasn't stopped in days and it rained enough to make it humid one day last week. Which is what is causing most of the problem here, low humidity and sixty to seventy mile an hour winds.

I have no desire to do anything right now because I just can't seem to make myself get up and do the dishes. I can't even think about starting on cleaning out my spare bedroom. I've been in the apartment for over a year now and I still can't make myself clean. I have things that need to go to the dumpster but I'm afraid that I will get blown away on my way there.

My poor tomato plants are being bruised and battered by this wind. The weed that we have inherited is taller than I am and seems to be prosperous in this kind of weather. I have no idea what my neighbor is doing but it sounds like he moves furniture all the time. He lives by himself so I don't really know why there is always the sound of furniture moving.

There is still a hole in the ceiling of my kitchen and I hate it. I hate it every time that I walk into my already tiny kitchen. The ceiling has stopped dripping which makes it a tiny bit better but it still irritates me. It irritates me that the area around the vent is so rotten that the vent has fallen off the wall and my kitchen stays at an average of 64 degrees all the time because there is no where for the air to go.

Maybe the allure of pen and paper is my problem that even as much as I love to write that that is my problem that I have a hard problem getting rid of bad writing. I hate scratching things out when I write in a notebook. Maybe there is a permanence to writing in a notebook is my problem. I have to quite since I've finally started rambling.

Off to do laundry and watch fat people.

love ya!

Taking a moment...

Really just taking a moment to try and relax. Have a few peaceful moments before a week that will be anything but peaceful. Even if I say that it will that won't change anything about how it goes. Just really haven't felt like writing. It doesn't do the same thing for me that it use to. It makes me sad that I don't get the same feeling from writing as I once did. I just feel like something is wrong with me. Nothing really makes me feel anything and I hate. I really want to eat but nothing sounds good. I want to cook but there really isn't anything that I want to make or that I have the time to make. And then my kitchen is tiny and it makes it hard to do anything. I would love to make cookies but I don't have any I love the clothes in Because I Said So. I don't know why but I just love the clothes. I don't even have anything to really talk about. I love her apartment too. Don't really know what it is about this movie that really draws me to it. It looks like it has an old fashioned car shop garage door in it. Which to me sounds totally awesome because you just roll it up and back in to load your stuff up. And I love his house on the canal which is so cute. And the fact that even as small as the house probably is but you can't really tell it has a Viking range in it. I don't understand why Hollywood thinks that every kitchen needs a Viking range. Give me a good ole basic Whirlpool range and I'll cook to my hearts content. My favorite though is the kitchen in A Walk in the Clouds that huge hacienda style kitchen with the huge table in the center or maybe the kitchen in The Family Stone. That whole house is amazing but I love the kitchen because to me the kitchen is the heart of the house. Literally the heartbeat and soul of a house and I can't wait to have my own house so that I can decorate my kitchen. I like the idea of a big ole table in the kitchen that everyone can pile around and maybe a comfy chair in the corner or maybe a loveseat or just an over sized chair so that while I'm in the kitchen my husband can sit there or vice versa. I just like the idea that you should be able to live in your kitchen more than anywhere else in the house. Really all I need is a one bedroom, one and a half bath house with a nice kitchen and a small den. That's all...oh and a laundry room or a bathroom big enough to put a front load set in a closet because I really like that idea of the washer/dryer in a closet in the bathroom. I have two cute little tomatoes that are being beaten to death by these winds that are making things beautiful outside but dangerous since it is so dry. I'm sure that I will have to come back and talk about what I want in a house or how I want to decorate it as well as Because I Said So because I love the movie. I do not however like the way that the mom lies to the daughter in the movie. Love her couch, and that style is very comfortable we use to have one kinda similiar to it in blue and lower at church. love ya!

The carnival ride....

Yesterday was one of those days when I really wanted to know when the carnival ride would be over because it seemed to start before I got to the time clock and didn't end until almost ten minutes after five. I hate when the day before I'm off is like that because it only has a certain ending. It will end with me walking into my office tomorrow there will be paper work everywhere. There will be open boxes with packing slips everywhere. I will have no idea what my techs are going to be doing. I will have no pens even the ones that I have brought to my desk. I will have no tape and probably no box cutter. And there will be a lecture about keeping my office clean from the man who cleans his desk off once a month and stashes it all over the store. I can't really think about it right now. I try not to let it ruin my day off and my nights. We've been on a Grey's Anatomy marathon and we are almost to the last disc of season two. It has been a lesson in craziness. But it was just one of those days where I think everyone wished they has worked through lunch so that we could close at four. Then of course when five o'clock came I was still in the middle of trying to get things done. I had to sit and wait for a customer's son to call and he never called and because of that I didn't get that much done. So at five when I was trying to shut down I had to stop and retype a fax order form and a few other things. Resending an email because I am being ignored by one of my reps so I send it to his work and personal email and I will send it everyday until I get a response or he comes in. love ya!

I'm a little sad....

I'm a little sad...Tater and Tot have both gone to that big fishbowl in the sky. I'm not exactly sure what happened. Tot was the first to go and then a few days later Tater died in the night. I have to think that it was sadness that took Tater, and that is what I'm going to tell myself. It really has been one of those weeks that I just want it to end. I really just want to atke my week of vacation and just sleep. I'm not sure why I just feel so worn out all of a sudden. Then on the other hand I'm not just worn out but in a funk that I can't really seem to get out of. Then anytime I think that I'm getting close to being out of the funk something pushes me back down and I'm starting to get bitter. I don't want to be bitter but that is all that I feel right now. I don't know how to get out of that funk of bitterness. I just feel like all I want is to be left alone and not have to listen to people who have what they have and want more. Or want better of what they have when nothing is wrong with what they actually have. I just have this overwhelming want and desire to download. To just let everything run out of my mouth, all the hurts and pains, the problems that I have right now. I just feel overwhelmed by everything and that makes it hard for me to go and relax. I just want to be able to sit in a tub full of bubbles and warm water and relax. But I can't when I know that I forgot to put my credit card bill in the mail and its due tomorrow. I know that I need to exercise because I know that I've put on some weight and that my blood pressure is up. I know that it isn't horrible but it is still high for my record. I have big fat flabby arms that have gotten worse since I got married. And I have these pockets like doughy biscuits on my hips that I have never had before and there is nothing that is going to make it better. I probably shouldn't be watching Grey's Anatomy right now but I totally feel her right now. I feel the pain and anguish and the total lack of direction. Maybe that is my problem right now that I just don't have any direction. That because I have no direction I have this problem. I feel like the victim. I've made myself the victim. I'm the victim of myself. I just can't go any farther. I have to go and figure out how to get out of this funk. love ya!