End of the Year...

Another year come to an end...where are the words that I need to describe what has happened in the last 365 days.

That's all a year is 365 days connected only be sleep and clocks. An endless stream of media is coming to you everyday from your alarm clock to the television you turn off right before you go to sleep, only to worry about what that media has been telling you.

This year has brought me the love of my life. Okay it brought me to the realization that the love of my life has been in front of me for awhile and I was desperately trying to hide from it. Trying to take it all away from myself in the name of saving myself from being hurt.

I don't want to act like I haven't been hurt in this relationship but I have and usually because of my own doing. Right now there are less than 12 hours to the new year and all I can think about is spending it with him.

I love you sugar bear.

There's no real way of knowing what this year coming will bring but I do hope that it brings me more joy and fewer tears than this one that we are leaving.

Christmas...

I missed getting to slap a post up right before Christmas but things went all nutsy at work. We had customers way to into the Christmas spirit yelling and fussing and pitching fits usually only see in the aftermath of Christmas with toddlers coming off of sugar highs.



Then again it could have been worse. Not sure how or care to know how...but it could have been.



There were phone calls and faxes and arguing. Being put on hold to still get no answer.



I did get a digital camera which means when I finally get internet there will be pictures.

Part of me...

I was talking yesterday about how she was a part of me too now. I may post this I may not...I'm just not sure right at this moment.

The person that I was speaking of is someone I thought I would never have to face. That never in my life would I have to face her with the knowledge of who she was. That I would be able to live the rest of my life not knowing who she was, not being able to pick her out of a crowd, but now I can. There's no telling how many times I may have passed her in the store before this point. That day is burned into my memory, the feelings etched on my heart and in my soul.

I really haven't told my fiance how I feel about that day. I felt like I was some exhibit in a freak show there for someone else to gawk at and fulfill their curiosity. (After he reads this he'll know.) I felt like I was being sized up...where you know she's looking at you standing there taking in every detail of your being so that she can compare you to herself. So that she'll be able to tear you down when she gets in the car with her friends who know the situation. To everyone else though, you look like two complete strangers standing in Wal-Mart looking for everyday needs.

I felt humiliated and embarrassed. I didn't want to face her and I still don't want to. I don't want to wonder if he thinks about her. I don't care if he tells me that there's no commonalities between us. I don't want to face how it makes me feel. After I got back to work and he was gone, I found myself huddled on the floor behind the counter in my office trying not to cry. Trembling in a pseudo-fetal position wishing that I could just disappear.

When his family brings her up, I just wish that I could melt into the wall and not be there. I know that they feel the same way about her that he does but I don't know how I feel. I'm somewhere in the middle in that grey area that no one wants to be in. No man's land that makes you feel inadequate because you can't make a decision.

Do you hate when all they need is love?

Do you love when all you want to do is hate?

No matter what I choose she is a part of me, so can I choose to hate myself?

Question everything

My fiance has a blog called 'question everything' but the truth is it that even if we question everything some times we don't want to know the answers.

I've faced that in the last six months, questions that I'm not sure I wanted the answers to. The times when you are certain that's what you wanted to know but when it came down to it, your soul was trembling at the thought of hearing your worst fears out loud.

We've had that in our relationship, six months in and there have been those moments of asking for the truth but not wanting to hear the truth. I asked him about what happened and he told me, he told me what he told the police and then he told me more. He's told me things about his life that no one knows and now they are part of my burden.

I've learned that lately that when people tell you their secrets you aren't meant to tell others but to carry them as part of your soul for the rest of your life. They are now a part of you, even if you want to, they will always be a part of who you are.

What has happened to him is now part of me. No matter what happens with us, what has happened to him has become a part of me therefore...she has become a part of me too.

Sorry...

I seem to be saying sorry a lot lately.

I mean a lot of time saying sorry and it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere.

I even have to say sorry to being gone for so long. By the time I got the want to write back I had other things to do.

I've spent the last who knows how long trying to get ready for a tent sale that made my life a living misery. It's finally over...I'm done with all the details of that...I think that I'm done. Life has almost returned to normal but I still have a helium tank in my office that I'm waiting for them to remove.

In a few days, I'm gonna have to start pulling out all the stuff that I threw in the back in a panic tot get to point B.

There are just so many things on my mind that I'm not really sure where to start or what to say. I just wish that there were an easier way to do this but there isn't, and until then I'll just blog when I can.

There was no I'm sorry for my computer crashing on my day off that lost all of my contact information for every company that we deal with. I no longer have phone numbers, contact names, account numbers, all those things that you only get from years and years of working.

The next few weeks are going to be wretched when it comes to the news. They're already doing those recap of what has happened in the last year. I don't care. I was there I do not want to remember. Michael Jackson is dead, he's not coming back. The economy is still going to do whatever it wants, good, bad, or otherwise. Time to put on the big boy pants and deal with it.

That's really what my Christmas thoughts are: "Put your big boy pants on and deal with it."

The will to write...

I've lost the will to write which makes a blog difficult. It really does and I'm not sure what to do from here on out about it. I just don't know what I should do or how to handle the situation. I just don't know what's wrong with me right now and that makes it hard to function. Maybe I need some sleep...maybe I don't.

Wow...

Being from a small town has its draw backs. One of the major ones being that things go round the rumor mill pretty quickly and once the hate starts it doesn't end.

Late last week a kindergarten teacher was arrested on charges for indecency with a child. Look I'm not here to pass judgment on what he did just on the comments left on a local news station's website. I was floored by the hate that is coming out of people about this situation.

I've clipped a few of the comments to make my point.

"I was married to a teacher for 15 years. I speak from experience when I tell you that most of them have absolutely no business around your kids."

"...i agree wit another parent people should let them invistigate this it could not be true if they just start firing teachers for what a kid says then every kid is going to start saying this just to get the teacher fired!!...i really belive HE DID NOT DO SUCH A THING!! i want to know EVERY LITTLE DETAIL ABOUT THIS STORY!!!"

"It's freaking amazing how so many people can comment about this and not put their names. What are you afraid of? The school fired the man! As I said before we live in AMERICA where we are innocent until proving guilty and I know when this is over he will be proving not guilty. If you can't be honest and post things without using your name then what gives you the right to complain anyways. It's funny how everyone is so quick to leave comments about this and think so badly of the school when you don't even know if its true"

"...This is why my children go to Anderson Shiro Consolidated....I live in Navasota, just moved to town 2 months ago, I'm ashamed to see my community go through something like this."

"...Furthermore, suggesting that the school district is trying to "look out for one of their own" is ignorant, especially when that person is accused of harming a child. I believe a little bit of unity in the community would be more constructive towards ensuring a safe environment for the children of our district. Spreading anger and blame towards others rather than at the individual responsible for the pain and fear in our hometown does nothing but perpetuate just that: anger, pain, and fear"

These are all taken straight from the website. Some were shortened and I didn't feel the need to include names because there's no reason for that.

For that first one, wow I about fell out of my chair. I'm not sure if that was a comment about her husband or people he worked with. Either way that scares me.

You don't deserve to know every little detail of what happened. If you want to know wait until you can get a transcript from the courthouse. Until then it's none of your business. But you do make a valid point about children saying stuff to get teachers fired.

The third one amazingly only left her first name. I have no further comment on how hypocritcal her opening statment is.

You don't even allow your children to go to school in the town you live in, you have no right to be all ashamed.

The last one I chose because it was well thought out.

I just can't believe at a time when we should be coming together we're going to end up being torn apart over something that may or may not be true.

just a bit down...

I'm just a bit down. The prospect of working a wedding next week only makes me depressed. I can't stand that I've found someone, we're engaged and that trying to have a wedding is just going to pot. I mean I've seen things fall apart but I never thought that I would be watching my own hopes and dreams fall apart.

Right now I have to fight the tears because I want to cry. I'm happy but no one really cares that I'm happy and that sucks. It really really sucks that I can't just be myself. I'm...not going to cry. I can't tell if it's just that I'm tired or if I really am just that sad and depressed that all I want to do is cry. Everything makes me want to cry and it's crappy. Looking at pictures of Faith and Felix just cemented the fact that weddings make me depressed in a way that not even chocolate ice cream or jewelry would fix. I can already feel the knot in my throat forming and I can't stand it anymore.

Which means I'm going to be a pissy person for most of the next two weeks. The thought of even trying to go to a wedding is depressing me to a point that makes me want to cry and scream.

sorry...

I had planned to start doing more blogging with this new blog but my adventures in organizing my office have taken quite a bit longer than anticipated or expected. I mean I started the opening weekend of July and I still have 50 percent left to clean up. But one whole side and the back are clean. Well the back that's a different story but it's still clean for the most part.

I'd be having more luck if the guys would ever come in or if we had a mechanic. Yeah he left us high and dry with a shop that is far more disgusting than a small engine shop should be and I'm no girly girl. I mean I'm a jump right in grabbing oily chains and greasy parts to help you out but this is was more than I could stand.

I've been in and out of the office trying to find chainsaws and figure out where engines came from. I mean a whole engine brand new in the box, a bright and shining beacon in that junk yard of a shop. Now I have to deal with finding pieces of this and that to see if we can salvage or if we should just junk what's out there.

I have to find Tony, he's got my key to the shop. I don't know if he's done replacing that flywheel yet so I need to get on that. Because if we could just get that out of the shop I'd be eternally grateful. Because if that hateful woman calls me one more time yelling into the phone because she can't hear I'm going to lose it.

be back later have to run back to my office.

I did not order fries with that....

I don't understand why they think that you would want fries at Sonic. That's just not what they're known for. Sonic onion rings yes, tater tots yes but not french fries.

I mean they didn't ask and I know that I didn't say but that doesn't mean that I don't want to have the options to decide what I get with my food. I know that it sounds childish and stupid but I want my options.

Of course they messed up almost everything that we ordered and usually that doesn't happen at Sonic. But it is Monday and I will give them that, on Monday you get one screw up.

But I don't like french fries unless they happen to be seasoned curly fries. The texture just isn't right on french fries. I love potatoes or atleast I used to but not so much anymore. My Irish roots are crying at the thought of me really not liking potatoes like I should.

So next time at Sonic I guess I need to remember to ask for tots, lest I end up with the crazy low salt french fries that Sonic serves up.

Disappointed

I'm disappointed in the weather. It's this awesome gray sky kinda day but it's 75 with humidity. It's been like that all week. We have these huge plate glass windows in the front and you look out them and think, 'oh boy it's cold outside.'

Lazy Afternoon...

It's one of those lazy afternoons that you just want to sit around. Sit there looking to see what's going on in the world but don't want to be any part of it. I just wish that I could see a window from here, the closest I can get is some reflections from the front windows on the ceiling but it may also be from the floor lamps in the furniture department. I can't really tell from here. I just wish that they would change the channel so that I can watch something that I haven't already seen 15 times this summer.

I guess that's kinda what got me hooked on my fiance. We spent a lazy Saturday afternoon sitting on the bench outside of what is now my office watching tv. It sounds crazy but that's where it all began, on a park bench in electronics department. He does our DirecTV installations, deliveries and some generalized appliance repairs. We kinda deal in one stop shopping minus the bananas.

But I've also learned that lazy afternoons without the bosses turn into Monday morning headaches. The kind that make you wish you had a hangover because it would be less painful. Most of the time when you get in trouble, you hear it from everyone all day long. There is no escaping getting in trouble and you pray that they don't pull your time card because that means serious trouble. (I just want to know who keeps messing with mine.)

Maybe I should consider doing some work on this lazy afternoon to take my mind off my work woes.

Maybe I told a lie...

I decided that I would fill out the profile and was sorely disappointed when I got to occupation. There are very few options here, so I chose best I could which would be consulting. I do that. I consult on appliances, electronics, some lawn equipment, Stihl products, Verizon Wireless Cellular service, and have very limited knowledge of DirecTV. This is a daily occurence to have to deal with any of these things.

I use my college education to sell appliance lawnmower parts. To sell phone service to people who probably don't need it. To field calls from angry customers who have used and abused what they paid for with hard earned dollars and now have broken things. Also to field calls for my boss and also my fiance (two completely different people by the way). On three different lines, which means that I have to pay attention to which line I'm answering to make sure that I use the correct greeting.

But after looking at the list it seems like your average Joe isn't allowed to blog or even invited to be one of the chosen few. They may blog but it seems like they should be left on the fringes of the blogosphere to do what everyone else does freely. I didn't find one that suited me. One that I felt that I could honestly say, "yes that's me" because they just seem to be so different from what I'm doing with my life.

The truth...

The truth is after watching Julie & Julia, I realized that I missed the thrill of open blogging. I missed not knowing if there was anyone following me. The unknown audience that didn't feel the need to just read and run, and frankly if they did, I'd never know that they had been here.

I also missed the simple nature that is Blogger. I just sign in, hit new post, type to my hearts content, then hit publish and walk away. There's just too much going on on Xanga for me to enjoy blogging there. There are so many posts to read from blogs that I pretend to follow but I don't want community. I want to write without fear of backlash for having a differing opinion or just an opinion in general.

My fiance also found the Xanga and frequently asks about things I said that I don't remember saying, including that I thought his brother was cute (but sadly lacking in the personality department). I will never be able to live that one down because he frequently asks me if I still want his brother over him.

I also like the clean feel of this kind of layout. Very user friendly.

Hopefully with this I will be able to blog a little more often than before. Following or not I'm happy to be home again on the internet.

New Blog...

I thought it was about time that I got a new blog. I'm not one for abandoning blogs but I need something a little more accessible than my old xanga. I'm still going to keep it but this one is more for getting out all those things I feel like I can't. I'm not so much into the whole want of community just a way to communicate the thoughts that I can't get out.