Another year come to an end...where are the words that I need to describe what has happened in the last 365 days.
That's all a year is 365 days connected only be sleep and clocks. An endless stream of media is coming to you everyday from your alarm clock to the television you turn off right before you go to sleep, only to worry about what that media has been telling you.
This year has brought me the love of my life. Okay it brought me to the realization that the love of my life has been in front of me for awhile and I was desperately trying to hide from it. Trying to take it all away from myself in the name of saving myself from being hurt.
I don't want to act like I haven't been hurt in this relationship but I have and usually because of my own doing. Right now there are less than 12 hours to the new year and all I can think about is spending it with him.
I love you sugar bear.
There's no real way of knowing what this year coming will bring but I do hope that it brings me more joy and fewer tears than this one that we are leaving.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Christmas...
I missed getting to slap a post up right before Christmas but things went all nutsy at work. We had customers way to into the Christmas spirit yelling and fussing and pitching fits usually only see in the aftermath of Christmas with toddlers coming off of sugar highs.
Then again it could have been worse. Not sure how or care to know how...but it could have been.
There were phone calls and faxes and arguing. Being put on hold to still get no answer.
I did get a digital camera which means when I finally get internet there will be pictures.
Then again it could have been worse. Not sure how or care to know how...but it could have been.
There were phone calls and faxes and arguing. Being put on hold to still get no answer.
I did get a digital camera which means when I finally get internet there will be pictures.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Part of me...
I was talking yesterday about how she was a part of me too now. I may post this I may not...I'm just not sure right at this moment.
The person that I was speaking of is someone I thought I would never have to face. That never in my life would I have to face her with the knowledge of who she was. That I would be able to live the rest of my life not knowing who she was, not being able to pick her out of a crowd, but now I can. There's no telling how many times I may have passed her in the store before this point. That day is burned into my memory, the feelings etched on my heart and in my soul.
I really haven't told my fiance how I feel about that day. I felt like I was some exhibit in a freak show there for someone else to gawk at and fulfill their curiosity. (After he reads this he'll know.) I felt like I was being sized up...where you know she's looking at you standing there taking in every detail of your being so that she can compare you to herself. So that she'll be able to tear you down when she gets in the car with her friends who know the situation. To everyone else though, you look like two complete strangers standing in Wal-Mart looking for everyday needs.
I felt humiliated and embarrassed. I didn't want to face her and I still don't want to. I don't want to wonder if he thinks about her. I don't care if he tells me that there's no commonalities between us. I don't want to face how it makes me feel. After I got back to work and he was gone, I found myself huddled on the floor behind the counter in my office trying not to cry. Trembling in a pseudo-fetal position wishing that I could just disappear.
When his family brings her up, I just wish that I could melt into the wall and not be there. I know that they feel the same way about her that he does but I don't know how I feel. I'm somewhere in the middle in that grey area that no one wants to be in. No man's land that makes you feel inadequate because you can't make a decision.
Do you hate when all they need is love?
Do you love when all you want to do is hate?
No matter what I choose she is a part of me, so can I choose to hate myself?
The person that I was speaking of is someone I thought I would never have to face. That never in my life would I have to face her with the knowledge of who she was. That I would be able to live the rest of my life not knowing who she was, not being able to pick her out of a crowd, but now I can. There's no telling how many times I may have passed her in the store before this point. That day is burned into my memory, the feelings etched on my heart and in my soul.
I really haven't told my fiance how I feel about that day. I felt like I was some exhibit in a freak show there for someone else to gawk at and fulfill their curiosity. (After he reads this he'll know.) I felt like I was being sized up...where you know she's looking at you standing there taking in every detail of your being so that she can compare you to herself. So that she'll be able to tear you down when she gets in the car with her friends who know the situation. To everyone else though, you look like two complete strangers standing in Wal-Mart looking for everyday needs.
I felt humiliated and embarrassed. I didn't want to face her and I still don't want to. I don't want to wonder if he thinks about her. I don't care if he tells me that there's no commonalities between us. I don't want to face how it makes me feel. After I got back to work and he was gone, I found myself huddled on the floor behind the counter in my office trying not to cry. Trembling in a pseudo-fetal position wishing that I could just disappear.
When his family brings her up, I just wish that I could melt into the wall and not be there. I know that they feel the same way about her that he does but I don't know how I feel. I'm somewhere in the middle in that grey area that no one wants to be in. No man's land that makes you feel inadequate because you can't make a decision.
Do you hate when all they need is love?
Do you love when all you want to do is hate?
No matter what I choose she is a part of me, so can I choose to hate myself?
Friday, December 18, 2009
Question everything
My fiance has a blog called 'question everything' but the truth is it that even if we question everything some times we don't want to know the answers.
I've faced that in the last six months, questions that I'm not sure I wanted the answers to. The times when you are certain that's what you wanted to know but when it came down to it, your soul was trembling at the thought of hearing your worst fears out loud.
We've had that in our relationship, six months in and there have been those moments of asking for the truth but not wanting to hear the truth. I asked him about what happened and he told me, he told me what he told the police and then he told me more. He's told me things about his life that no one knows and now they are part of my burden.
I've learned that lately that when people tell you their secrets you aren't meant to tell others but to carry them as part of your soul for the rest of your life. They are now a part of you, even if you want to, they will always be a part of who you are.
What has happened to him is now part of me. No matter what happens with us, what has happened to him has become a part of me therefore...she has become a part of me too.
I've faced that in the last six months, questions that I'm not sure I wanted the answers to. The times when you are certain that's what you wanted to know but when it came down to it, your soul was trembling at the thought of hearing your worst fears out loud.
We've had that in our relationship, six months in and there have been those moments of asking for the truth but not wanting to hear the truth. I asked him about what happened and he told me, he told me what he told the police and then he told me more. He's told me things about his life that no one knows and now they are part of my burden.
I've learned that lately that when people tell you their secrets you aren't meant to tell others but to carry them as part of your soul for the rest of your life. They are now a part of you, even if you want to, they will always be a part of who you are.
What has happened to him is now part of me. No matter what happens with us, what has happened to him has become a part of me therefore...she has become a part of me too.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sorry...
I seem to be saying sorry a lot lately.
I mean a lot of time saying sorry and it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere.
I even have to say sorry to being gone for so long. By the time I got the want to write back I had other things to do.
I've spent the last who knows how long trying to get ready for a tent sale that made my life a living misery. It's finally over...I'm done with all the details of that...I think that I'm done. Life has almost returned to normal but I still have a helium tank in my office that I'm waiting for them to remove.
In a few days, I'm gonna have to start pulling out all the stuff that I threw in the back in a panic tot get to point B.
There are just so many things on my mind that I'm not really sure where to start or what to say. I just wish that there were an easier way to do this but there isn't, and until then I'll just blog when I can.
There was no I'm sorry for my computer crashing on my day off that lost all of my contact information for every company that we deal with. I no longer have phone numbers, contact names, account numbers, all those things that you only get from years and years of working.
The next few weeks are going to be wretched when it comes to the news. They're already doing those recap of what has happened in the last year. I don't care. I was there I do not want to remember. Michael Jackson is dead, he's not coming back. The economy is still going to do whatever it wants, good, bad, or otherwise. Time to put on the big boy pants and deal with it.
That's really what my Christmas thoughts are: "Put your big boy pants on and deal with it."
I mean a lot of time saying sorry and it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere.
I even have to say sorry to being gone for so long. By the time I got the want to write back I had other things to do.
I've spent the last who knows how long trying to get ready for a tent sale that made my life a living misery. It's finally over...I'm done with all the details of that...I think that I'm done. Life has almost returned to normal but I still have a helium tank in my office that I'm waiting for them to remove.
In a few days, I'm gonna have to start pulling out all the stuff that I threw in the back in a panic tot get to point B.
There are just so many things on my mind that I'm not really sure where to start or what to say. I just wish that there were an easier way to do this but there isn't, and until then I'll just blog when I can.
There was no I'm sorry for my computer crashing on my day off that lost all of my contact information for every company that we deal with. I no longer have phone numbers, contact names, account numbers, all those things that you only get from years and years of working.
The next few weeks are going to be wretched when it comes to the news. They're already doing those recap of what has happened in the last year. I don't care. I was there I do not want to remember. Michael Jackson is dead, he's not coming back. The economy is still going to do whatever it wants, good, bad, or otherwise. Time to put on the big boy pants and deal with it.
That's really what my Christmas thoughts are: "Put your big boy pants on and deal with it."
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